Today was full of the emotional spectrum.
Starting out, still in recovery from the time change, I woke up at 5am, my wife coming out into the house around 7:45 saying she was laying awake since I got up. Work was difficult from the missing sleep.
At noon, I had leftover chicken alfredo, and put on some electronic music in an attempt to focus on actual work. I spent a lot of time today either dilly-dallying with audio stuff and thinking about my mother (the anniversary of her passing is two months away).
My wife has also been, not pestering but, lovingly encouraging me to apply for a new job that apparently I’m not as invisible at my org than I thought. With a developing headache, the day ends. I go to move the trash cans inside and see the front lawn is more weeds than grass, and my HOA paranoia returns atop my lingering depression.
After dinner, I go back to my workstation and look at the job position finally after three days that it’s been posted. I start writing a CV. While considering references, I think to my first employer in the Physics Department. Looking him up to see if he’s still teaching or has retired “emeritus” or whatever academics do, I find his obituary from 2021. I cry a little, but remember him fondly, and return to my task, a little cheerier because I’ve overcome my imposter syndrome and fear of losing employment and therefore housing, to remember that I’m not desperate for this.
My wife agrees to get an estimate on a lawn service who can also fix/instruct us on the irrigation system that’s been shut off since we thought it leaking (it was not) and our neighbor accosted me for using a hose sprinkler instead (because we found out they dump their hot tub into the grass along our shared fence). We chat about my paranoia of getting our and my mother’s taxes done on time.
My mother’s surviving dog follows me all over the house, like a little grey ghost, a puff ball, a storm cloud, but an excellent snuggler and body warmer.